Finding peace — learn to put yourself first

For some people, finding a way to peace is easy. It follows them. Wherever they are, they appear cool, calm and serene; whoever they are around, they can create and enhance a soothing environment. Whenever they encounter a conflicting attitude, they provide just enough of the right words, or are respectful enough to be able to create trust and gain the trust of another to spread their air of serenity. They appear to be born with a silver spoon of peace in their makeup. What is it that they have got that is missing in others, or what is it in others that is missing in them?

What they have is a solid belief that they should be taking care of their own “stuff”. They know that they are the boss of themselves. They take and live up to their own responsibility for their own needs, to the point of self-absorption at times. They’ll never want for much; they assume the right to be happy and take the necessary steps to be so.

For some reason or other, whether it is conditioning from family or reaction to environmental variables, the agitated or unhappy person simply doesn’t have their needs met. Often, this is self-inflicted. They desire to please and for some reason feel that it is important to make others more important than their own sweet self. As a result, they don’t take care of their self. They want love and attention as most people do, but they think that they have to earn the right to have it. So, they become people pleasers. Sound like a good quality?

Not so, for by the pleasing of others — particularly repetitively, is self-abuse. These people neglect themselves to the point of ill-being. Their emotional and physical self gets injured and often they don’t realize that how they are feeling is a result of being really plain stupid about how they treat themselves.

The struggling victim understands they have a problem (they aren’t happy). How can peace givers teach this type of individual that they should get out of an abusive relationship network when they always look for approval from the network of abusers and don’t know how to realize that they shouldn’t? Society reinforces this lesson; there are comments, even laws ensuring that family should be supportive. The sufferer keeps hope that they will become “good enough” for family to care. It will never happen for their needs will never be met to the point of joy.

The “peace giver” can teach them to understand that they are good enough, encourage them to redefine family — extend their network to include people who treat them right. They can motivate and inspire them to look for, find and engage the support that every healthy relationship includes whether it is a personal or a professional one.

Even peace givers can gain from understanding that when you put yourself first on the list of people you need to take care of, then you are on the one list that matters most. If you don’t, it is highly likely that you aren’t first on anybody’s list. I tell my children, “You are the boss of you.”
Parents, model this for your children and grandchildren. “Model the behaviour for others to follow.”

Whlle one book, one workshop or one awakening cannot make up for the life-long lack of a good network system, a single kind word or gesture from another can spark a thought that helps people realize, hmmm maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Eventually, they will own their rights. They will start taking care of their own needs; they won’t be confused as to why their needs aren’t met. When they learn to put their needs before others, a time will come when they get happy and healthy because of it. They’ll learn to ask for help before getting to a level of frustration. If a no happens, they’ll remember the times they found peace at the center of a storm by looking in another direction.

For me, the knowledge that I have rights and the rights that I want and desire are considered universal helped and continues to help. I often consult the Declaration of Human Rights.

Just because someone can help you doesn’t mean they have to help you. Repeatedly asking for help from someone who doesn’t want to help can result in disaster. If someone doesn’t want to listen to you, they won’t and they will take the measures that they need to do what they feel is right for themselves. If you are listening to them, it does not mean that they will listen to you; caring for them doesn’t mean that they will care for you. Care enough about yourself that when someone repeatedly won’t listen or help you, that you know when to quit and look elsewhere. Once you’ve found it and gotten a solution to the problem, you will learn that while you may occasionally need help, you shouldn’t be looking in the direction where there isn’t going to be any.

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